Love Is Pain
by EvelynRaeShadows
Summary: "Will you tar those memories of those who died for you or will you keep the memory of them alive? It's up to you but now it's time to let yourself see the truth." Love is painful. Especially when it stays after the other has completely moved on.
1. Linger

_**AN::** Hello Hello! It has been a while since I posted a story on here.. I'm sorry! Don't hurt me. Anyway, if you have read my other stories, this is a lot darker than what I normally write. Don't really know why to be honest... Based off of My Immortal by Evanescence. _

_**Disclaimer:: **I DO NOT own Harry Potter. Sadly. Just the Story._

_**Summary::** Love hurts. Especially when it never disappears after the other has moved on. _

_**Warning::** This story involves a sensitive topic to many. In no way am I making fun of these. _

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_**Linger**_

I lay alone in my room, staring up at the ceiling. I longed to tell Harry that I still felt the same way I felt all those years ago. '_You can't!'_ screamed the voice inside my head. It was right, I couldn't tell him. I was too afraid of being rejected by him again. Besides, that was the only thing waiting for me, he had just asked out Ginny for Merlin's sake. Once he broke me heart couldn't he just leave? Having him around nearly 24/7 is killing me!

Slowly I got up and walked over to my dresser. Opening the first drawer, I pulled out a razor blade from the very back. I pulled back the sleeve of my maroon Weasley sweater, my eyes wandering over cut scarring my arm. Each one of these represented a thought of the painful love I had for the green-eyed hero. I began to bring the blade to my wrist, hesitating as I caught sight of a small never-fading butterfly. A single tear fell from the corner of my eye. _'I've killed it so many times and here I go doing it again. I'm so sorry.'_ I brought down the blade cutting right across it and a few other un-healing wounds.

Drops of blood fell to the floor, each one bringing back memories of Hogwarts, of Harry. The times when Harry would cry behind his bed curtains and I would join him, wiping away his tears. I would hold him in silence, giving him small kisses until he fell asleep in my arms. Some mornings he would talk about the night before, forgoing breakfast before our morning classes. Most days he would just thank me with a kiss and go hand-in-hand down to eat and meet up with Hermione. Tears fell into my cut; mixing with the blood and making it sting.

Blood still drips out of the wound, painting my arm a deep red like the Hogwarts Express. I vaguely remember the joy I felt meeting the famous Harry Potter on that fateful first train ride. The same memory of joy reappeared as I thought of the moment we were both soothed into Gryffindor. At the time, the reason behind this joy was unknown to myself; I simply passed it off as hero worship. A sharp pain brought me back to reality. Looking down I noticed a fresh cut half way down my arm. His face haunts every moment of mine making it impossible to sleep. During the silent moments, his silky voice floats by in a whisper, making me completely lose my sanity. Slowly my vision fades to black.

It seemed like only a matter of seconds before I started to regain consciousness. _'This is much too soon…'_ I couldn't move, but I could feel everything. Pain shot through my left arm like a lightning bolt. _'Just like Harry's scar…'_ A muffled moan escaped my lips. This was the only sign that told me I was alive, no matter how much I wished that I wasn't.

Pain shot through my arm again. I rolled over to stop it and moaned. _'Great! I can move again…'_ I lay with my face in my pillow, stifling any sound that dares to come out of my mouth. My thoughts took me back to Hogwarts, Harry screaming. I was unsure if it was from Cedric or Voldemort, but I saw my past self wake and walk over to Harry's bed. I blink and start to see everything through his eyes. The subtle shake to wake him, to falling asleep with a smiling Harry wrapped in my arms. Together we would skip morning lessons and receive an earful from a 'delightful' Hermione at lunch, but none of it mattered when I was with him.

But I'm not. He left my life when I left that tent so many years ago. When I returned and saved him he was still cold and distant. Things were never the same after that. Every moment I tell myself he's gone, he's not going to come back. When I'm forced to leave my room at the Burrow, I force a smile just for him. I doubt he sees them anymore. I'm supposed to be down there now. I can hear them calling for me…

I've always been next to him, hero and sidekick. "Ron?" Now I'm left here all alone, even with out my heart. "Ron? Where are you?" I revealed a hidden rope hanging from the ceiling, a slipknot already tied in it. The footsteps are close now… "Ron, are you in your room again?" I stood on the chair. _'I am ready to die.'_ The door opened and I started to step off. "Harry, I love you." "RON! NO!" Piercing green faded to black.

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_**R&R!** I would love to hear what you guys think of this and if I should continue. Will probably gradually get happier if I do. They will all be based off of songs. __If there are any you would like to see in here leave it in a comment._ Flames will be used to warm this dark fic.


	2. Falling

**_AN::_**_ Hello Hello! It has been a while since I posted a story on here.. I'm sorry! Don't hurt me. Anyway, if you have read my other stories, this is a lot darker than what I normally write. Don't really know why to be honest... Based off of Cellar Door by Escape The Fate._

**_Disclaimer:: _**_I DO NOT own Harry Potter. Sadly. Just the Story._

**_Summary::_**_ Love hurts. Especially when it never disappears after the other has moved on._

**_Warning::_**_ This story involves a sensitive topic to many. In no way am I making fun of these._

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**_Falling_**

We walked through the doorway, the bright warmth a stark contrast from the coolness of the night. The Weasley Burrow has always been my second home but today something felt off. Fire whiskey was flowing freely so the so the chatter was loud and full of drunken confessions that no one would remember after tonight. A sudden squawking and laughter came from the middle of the room. "So the Canary Crèmes have finally surfaced!" The twins' voices rising over everyone, "Hey Neville! I thought you learned not to eat anything near us!" That's when I heard a scream faintly over the sounds of the party. I turned away towards it, Ginny following quietly. "Ron?" I called out, hoping he would just pop out of his room like he normally did when I came over. "Ron, where are you?" I asked with a hint of worry coloring my tone. We nearly reached the closed-door or his room when Ginny's voice slipped by me, "Ron, are you in your room again?" I finally reached his room and opened the door, the scene before us didn't seem real. "Harry, I love you." His voice was so quiet and drained, like everything has been given up but his life. I was watching myself from above. I saw myself shout in a last-ditch effort to save my best friend. Watched as he ran over, forgetting his wand and tried to get Ron down. A white spell flew past the Harry on the ground, cutting the rope. _Sectumsempra... Where did she learn that?_ I vaguely thought, as Ron was caught and carried to the bed. I kissed him softly after I removed the rope from his neck. A hand on my shoulder scared me until Ginny appeared at my side, sad and knowing. Her name was called from the party downstairs. I have forgotten about that. I climbed into bed with my lost love and held him close for one last time.

Once I was next to him, the memories came back as a flood; everything we have ever did condensed into a few minutes. Suddenly, I was transported to when I was eleven and was sitting on the Hogwarts Express, seeing you for the first time. The next second I was being sorted into Gryffindor along side you. Then we were back in the Whomping Willow in you dad's flying car. These memories kept coming, lingering longer of the days that you would comfort me. You were there from night until day and were always so caring, it was amazing that no one but Hermione and Ginny knew. Every feeling cam back with the memories, reminding me of everything I tried to hide from myself up until now. Now I know. Now it's too late.

"I can't leave you. I'll stay here forever if I must." These words came out in a whisper. His skin is starting to feel colder than it should. My tears wouldn't stop flowing from my eyes like little rivers. This pain won't ever stop, once it does, I know that you'll truly be gone. You were never supposed to die. "Why?" I whispered to no one, "Why did this have to happen?" My hand cupped his face and I watched as my thumb started to caress his cheek. Slowly my gaze lowered to his arm. The scars seemed to form a word. _What could have caused him this pain?_ My hand left his face and slowly ran over the scars. _Is this a name?_ My eyes finally caught up and I saw that the freshest cuts formed 'HARRY' in red letters. _My name…_ this never should have happened. You deserved better than me. This is so wrong…

For the first time, I looked around his room. Everything was so dark, save for the candles in the corners and on his desk. Walking over to it, I noticed it was covered in drawings and pictures. In the corner, there was a single blood-red rose. Tears came to my eyes as I looked down at the pictures. They were all of me: practicing for Quiddicth, smiling, fighting Voldemort, hugging and laying with him. If only this could have truly happened. He loved someone who was never there, who constantly found someone new. Ron would put a smile on his face everyday, a mask no one saw through. Now, we may never see his perfect smile again.

My eyes roamed back to the drawings on the desk. The ones that didn't have me in them were portraits or of various activities. Everywhere, no matter what it was, the beauty was captured perfectly. How have I never seen one of these before? _Well you're not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, Harry._ A voice that sounded suspiciously like Hermione's nagged inside my head.

I looked back over to his still body. I got up and softly closed his eyes. _He looks like he's sleeping._ My mind is trying to make me forget he died. This realization only made it hurt that much more, if it happened anymore, I wouldn't be able to stand it. How could I have caused him this much pain? I haven't done anything to him to deserve this unconditional love. How could I have done so much wrong?

_He can't be dead._ My mind repeated this line even as I watched him grow paler as time passed by. My hand sought out his, grasping it. The coldness of it surprised me more than it should have. The numbness seemed to spread to me the longer I held on. Soon, I couldn't feel anything, not that I even wanted to… Everything has lost reason. I couldn't stay here any longer. My mind has finally failed me. I left his side to go downstairs, leaving him, doing the one thing I promised I wouldn't do just hours before.

I couldn't feel the pain anymore. I just moved through the crowd like I was in a dream. The laughter around me didn't seem right, shouldn't they be mourning? I heard my name but it couldn't have happened… Ron's dead now because of me… My name was called again, this time by the soft voice of a female. I saw Mrs. Weasley standing in the doorway of the kitchen. She looked so concerned and saddened that I knew Ginny told her what happened. I walked into the kitchen and the noise of the party suddenly stopped. Mrs. Weasley came up and hugged me. Her silence seemed unfitting somehow, seeing what has happened. This life is so wrong…

The party miraculously stayed in full swing until late at night. By the end, only the eight Weasleys and I remained. We all decided to stay the night at the burrow. The news hit the rest of the family hard, just as I knew it would. The only odd thing was that there were no tears, only a dead silence. One by one, everyone left the living room to go to sleep until Ginny and I were the last ones left. She still had her arms around me, holding me close. "I know." Her words startled me after the hours of silence. "What do you mean?" "I knew about you and Ron." Silence followed her words. "You loved him didn't you?" I didn't answer for a while, slowly nodding my head. "Yet you still agreed to be with me." The silence afterward was deafening and unbreakable. She finally gave me one last squeeze before going to bed herself. Slowly the tears started to fall again, each one bringing more pain than the last.

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**_R&R!_**_ I would love to hear what you guys think of this and if I should continue. Will probably gradually get happier if I do. They will all be based off of songs. If there are any you would like to see in here leave it in a comment. Flames will be used to warm this dark fic._


	3. Dead?

_**AN::** Hello Hello! It's been over a month since I updated this story... I'm sorry! ): Anyway... Based off of Dancing With The Dead by 10 Years._

_**Disclaimer:: **I DO NOT own Harry Potter. Sadly. Just the Story._

_**Summary::** Love hurts. Especially when it never disappears after the other has moved on._

_**Warning::** This story involves a sensitive topic to many. In no way am I making fun of these._

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_**Dead?**_

A blinding red was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. _Am I still alive?_ The color slowly cleared away and I was floating above my house. _Wow, the Burrow looks so peaceful…_ My brain finally caught up with me and I started to fall down to Earth. My wand was nowhere near me, either. I was just accepting that if I wasn't dead yet, I would be in a few seconds when I stopped a few inches above the ground. The pause confused me, but time caught up and let me fall. "Bloody Hell…" I slowly stood up looking at my arms. _Where are all my scars?_ Looking at the rest of me I noticed something else peculiar. _And am I wearing a bloody white dress?_ A small raspy chuckle came from behind me. I tripped over my feet trying to quickly turn around to see who was there. The flutter of fabric caught my eye. "First one that wasn't graceful here." My eyes traveled up the navy blue cloak, scanning where the mystery person's face should be. The darkness seemed to swallow it entirely, leaving its hands the only visible part of its body. They looked thin and pale. "Who are you?" The figure made a mock-offended gesture. "Don't recognize me 'cause I'm not running at you screaming 'Prepare to die'?" I could feel the color draining out of my face. "You're Death?" "One of the many," Death replied as I stood up. I stifled a laugh as I towered over him. "I expected you to be a bit taller." I could feel his glare before he spoke in a surprisingly silky smooth voice, "I'm here to offer you a choice; The Afterlife, Ghostation, or Life."

Before I could reply, he said, "You don't have to choose now. In fact I won't even let you. Your choice shall be made in one weeks time." My mind struggled for words and my face was an array of emotions. "You will use this time to figure out if this is really what you want." I finally found my voice, "Of course this is what I want. There is nothing left for me there anymore. This was the only option." My voice came out shakier than I would have liked. "What caused this?" His voice was cold. "A lost love? A broken home? Death of someone close?" A silence fell between us and suddenly he knew my entire life story, telling it all. My mouth fell open in shock. His voice shifted back to the silky kind he used to start the deal. "Others have been in your position and many did what you did, but some handled it better and they didn't help the Golden Boy defeat little ol' No-Nose. Will you tar those memories of those who died for you or will you keep the memory of them alive? It's up to you but now it's time to let yourself see the truth."

We, well I, started falling through a trap door that suddenly sprang open in the Earth. Death was gracefully floating beside me, chuckling as he watched me. Again I stopped a mere foot above the ground, hoping he would let me land on something soft this time. My eyes were closed as I fell those last twelve inches. I opened them as I bounced up once before settling into the soft stillness. "At least you had the decency to let me fall on a mattress this time." I mumbled. His voice sounded amused as he said, "I didn't do that but nice choice." Death opened his arms with flourish, "Welcome to my office!" The room looked like a cartooned version of hell. There were rainbow flames painted on the walls and mismatched fabrics creating all of the furniture, except the wooden desk. "Bloody hell," I winced, "you need a woman or gay guy in your life…" A short laugh escaped his lips. "Tell me about it!" He sank into a chair, his movement causing a bright lock of cyan hair to slip out of his hood. _How could I not see that before?_ "You do know you can mentally change out of that dress right?" He said amused. I glared at him and visualized me in jeans and a Quidditch graphic tee. Death nodded in approval. "Now," He said to the ceiling, "where to first?"

"Take me to the land of the living." "Of course," He got up and grabbed my arm. "So sure that you don't want it, you just wanna get it out of the way." He mumbled as he started to pull me back towards the surface. "Isn't there a way to just, I don't know, zap us there or something? I mean you are _Death_, right?" "Well," Death spoke coolly, "if you would actually try to do this, you could. Instead you decide to listen to the Laws of Mortal Earth." _Try to float?_ I thought ludicrously. _And what does he mean by the 'Laws of Mortal Earth'?_ Death sighed, seemingly annoyed. "The Laws of Mortal Earth are those that seem to make their lives easier, such as the laws of gravity that are making you kind of heavy." "OI! I'm only 65 kilos… And you're telling me that if I simply forget these 'rules' I'll float?" As I spoke, I slowly rose to his eye level. Death smiled as I kept rising and he flew up next to me. "It's about time, Ron. I would've thought since you wanted this you would at least know the perks." He laughed as he grabbed my hand. "Ok, now will yourself to the surface." I did as he asked and in a flash we were outside of the Burrow, looking in through the window. I watched in silence and saw the pain and sadness on everyone's face but Harry's. His was hidden in his hands and Ginny's arms were around him. One by one they left, except for the twins who were always together, until Ginny and Harry were the only ones left. As Ginny left, I watched as Harry Started to cry, and I knew he was blaming himself for everything. I waited for him to fall asleep before turning away, leaving him again.

I sat outside, unable to move, staring at my reflection in the lake near the Burrow. My normally blue eyes were a dark black as they stared back at me. Death laid a comforting hand on my shoulder; an odd gesture considering whom it was coming from. "I left him alone up here. Hermione left years ago with Luna and Malfoy of all people to live in some hippie clan. The Weasleys' won't be there forever, and I had to be the first of them to leave." My voice sounded dead even to my own ears. The expression on my face said that my story was done, ready to give up everything. "Don't forget we still have two more places to visit. The Afterlife and life as a ghost, but first let's go." Death said softly with an outstretched hand. I looked up and nodded slowly, taking his hand. "Let's go…"

We started to descend down into the Earth once more, slowly this time. "Where shall we go this time, dear?" Death inquired. _Could I bear seeing Harry again so soon?_ He looked at me understandingly and said, "Take your time, hun, we still have days." We floated back to his office and I fell onto his couch, face down, Moments passed, the only sound was Death cleaning his office and organizing his papers. He seemed oddly human to be Death. "Take me to the Afterlife." My voice scared me and it seemed to have startled Death too as he jumped. "Very well." He said calmly, trying to regain his composure. He grabbed my hand again and it felt as if we were falling in all directions at once.

The falling sensation suddenly ceased, and I slowly opened my eyes in case it started again. The scene before us was indescribable, yet perfectly normal at the same time. Everything was formless yet solid and it just flowed together perfectly. This was a world that loud yet noiseless, a simply perfect imperfection. I was is a state of total awe and nearly jumped out of my skin when Death spoke. "Like what you see?" I tried to speak but no noise came out. "Your look of awe is answer enough." Death said pleasantly, "But please, tell me what you see." I looked at him in confusion before finding my voice, "You're here, Death. Can't you see what's around you?" Death let out a light boyish chuckle. "I can only see what I wish to deep within. The Afterlife is different to each soul that enters." I looked around and noticed for the first time all of the people, er, spirits roaming around or relaxing. "So each one of them sees a different place?" Death nodded and said, "But it's not perfect." I let out a small bitter laugh, "When is anything perfect? I knew there was a catch to this place, but what about Heaven and Hell?" Death seemed unsurprised by this question but very unsure of how to answer me.

"Well," Death started pacing before me. "What you are in now is a sort-of… holding area, I guess, between the two." I could feel the confusion filling me. "Could you show me them?" Death stopped pacing and stared into the never-ending expanse of the Afterlife. After a minute of silence, Death replied, "No… Many people choose to stay here for the fear of where they would end up if the truly moved on. You destination is only known by the big boss and only he has the keys." I let it soak in for a second before saying, "The big boss? Who's he? And what could you tell me about each of them, then?" He just chuckled and turned to face me, a flash of silver came from where his eyes were. _How could I seriously not notice that before?_ "Well I should have told you this before but Death is the big boss I'm just one of his many Reapers." I just looked at him before saying, "Really?" He laughed and nodded. "As for Heaven and Hell, do you want what I honestly think?" I simply nodded. "Honestly… I think it's a bunch of bull. I think Hell is only inside your head and God is just playing dead. People should just save their breath with that kind of stuff." I let out a surprised laugh after a couple seconds of amazed silence. Amused, I blurted out, "Seriously?" He nodded and sat in a couch that looked exactly like the one in his office. "But you work for _DEATH_. You deal with this all the time! Aren't you-" "Suppose to provide insight to the worlds above and below?" Death cut me off with a laugh. "Nah, I've never actually seen them myself, only Death has the keys, so I know about as much as you do." I just laughed, not believing what I heard. "Now, before we go on our ghostly journey, you need to know a few things. One, they will be able to see you. Just like at Hogwarts." _Duh._ I thought. "Two, you can talk to them, but they might freak out. I mean you just died. They need a little time to grieve." The Reaper laughed and I rolled my eyes. "Three, you might see others who have died but did not choose life as a ghost. You can tell this by a little soft golden glow they have. Do you understand?" I nodded and said, "Yeah, mate." He smiled (I think) and replied with, "Alright, let's go!"

The Reaper snapped his fingers and we were outside the Burrow once again. "Oh, they can't see me by the way." He said with a small laugh. I rolled my eyes at him and reached out for the doorknob. My hand passed right through as I tried to grab it. The Reaper laughed at me saying, "Dude! You're a ghost! What'd you expect? Just walk on through!" "Bloody Hell…" I groaned before walking in. "Hello?" I called out before looking at the infamous Weasley Clock. The only hand pointing at 'Home' was Harry. _Fabulous…_ I thought uneasily. Just then I heard a choked "Ron?" and footsteps of the stairs. Slowly I turned around, bracing myself. Meeting his eyes, I heard myself say, "Hullo Harry. Been a while, hasn't it?" Harry watched me as I walked toward him. "Ron… I thought you were dead… It's been one day… What are you doing in your kitchen?" I looked at him confused. "What? It's been like a week!" I said. He reached out to hug me but passed through. "What the…?" He mumbled, confused. I chuckled nervously and said, "I'm testing out the ghost life. Seeing if I should stick around." I walked through the couch and sat down. "What?!" A surprised Harry vaulted over the couch and sat next to me. "Why didn't you move on? What happens when the rest of us… go and you're stuck here?" I stayed silent for a moment, "I don't know. I'd probably go to Hogwarts or something." I looked away from him then and started to stare at the fire in front of us. "Alright," Harry said after a few moments of silence. "There's something you're not tellin' me. What is it?" I looked up and saw Sirius watching us, surrounded in a soft golden light. _Tell Harry that I say hi, ok?_ Sirius's voice said inside my head. He walked over to Harry and ruffled his hair making it messier than it already was. Harry looked around confused as Sirius turned into Padfoot and ran out of the Burrow, most likely meeting up with the other two Marauders. Still staring at where Sirius was, I said, "A reaper made a deal with me. I could return to the living, stay dead, or go to the in-between. Right now, he's letting me test them out." The silence between us was heavy. To break it, I said, "Sirius says hi, by the way." Harry looked over hopeful. "You've seen him? How is he?" "He was in here a few minutes ago. He was the one who 'messed up' your hair." I laughed a little. "And he's fine. He left to go see Moony and Prongs." I said staring at nothing in particular. "Well thank Merlin for that." Harry said as he leaned back and put his feet on the table. "During your ghostliness, have you seen Hermione?" I looked at him. "Mate, I didn't even think of that, but I don't think I want to know." I said with a shudder, "I mean her, Luna, _Malfoy_, and Merlin-knows-who-else doing Merlin-knows-what? I would not like to see Malfoy naked, thank you very much!" Harry burst out laughing as I pulled a look of disgust and started laughing too. As the Reaper put a hand on my shoulder, I jumped and Harry looked at me amused. The Reaper tapped his wrist twice. "What? Did Death catch ya?" Harry said with a small laugh. "Close but not quite." His smirk slowly faded to understanding. As I stood up I heard him say quietly, "You _are_ coming back right?" I couldn't look at him but I could feel his stare. I sighed and said, "We'll see…" and disappeared.

As we appeared in the Reaper's office, three thought bubbles appeared with anime versions of the three choices. I looked at him amused. "What? It gets boring around here. I have to do something fun." The Reaper said, a little embarrassed. "Anyway, now is the moment of truth. Which do you choose?" He said quickly. I hesitated for a moment. "Can I ask you something first?" He nodded. "Why didn't you tell me time was different here?" He looked at me confused. "I thought you already knew that. I really have to stop assuming things about you." He said with a shake of his head, his cyan hair falling out of the hood again. "Have you made your choice?" The Reaper gestured at the thought bubbles again. I looked longingly at the Afterlife before nodding. "I choose…"

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_**R&R!** I would love to hear what you guys think of this and if I should continue. Will probably gradually get happier if I do. They will all be based off of songs. __If there are any you would like to see in here leave it in a comment._ Flames will be used to warm this dark fic.  
**AN: **65 kilos is about 143 lbs.


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